What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
