Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
