Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
