how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
