if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
