Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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