I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
