Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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