dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
