The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize