The maid of honor just puked.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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