Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
