It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
