Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize