my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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