Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
