I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just googled if crying burns calories
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
