He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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