I feel great
I just peed on a car
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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