Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
