Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
