remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
