My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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