You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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