Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
