i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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