Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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