I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
