My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
