New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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