And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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