Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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