How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
