nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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