$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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