On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
