just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
