It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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