Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
