I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
