if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
