I wish I could punch you in the face.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
