Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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