he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
