He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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