Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize