non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
