It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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