Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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