We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
