i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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