nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
