apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
