watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
