Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
