I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
