So drunk its hurt
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
