the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
