He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
