from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How does one acquire holy water?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
