I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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