Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
