they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
